The US has had presidents before who were racist or misogynist or xenophobic or crass or bullying or ignorant or homophobic or abusive or greedy or narcissistic or mentally unstable or sexual predators or philistines, but never until now with all these characteristics in the same person. Shame on you 25% of the electorate who voted for him and shame on you 50% who could have stopped this but chose instead to stay at home.
I am indebted to Christopher Logue from whose 1966 poem ‘I Shall Vote Labour’ I have borrowed the structure for this poem.
I shall vote Trump because I believe everything is a lie, except for what I see on reality TV shows.
I shall vote Trump because I want to uphold the Constitution – even though I can’t actually read it.
I shall vote Trump because I admire people smart enough not to pay taxes.
I shall vote Trump because he’s going to find me a job so I don’t have to pay taxes either.
I shall vote Trump because I’m against all those big corporations whose CEOs get rich at the expense of the rest of us by not paying taxes.
I shall vote Trump because of the free baseball cap.
I shall vote Trump because there aren’t enough unwanted children in the world.
I shall vote Trump because of his lovely wife, Melanoma and his lovely daughter, Canker and his son-in-law, Airhead.
I shall vote Trump because when it’s my turn to run for President, I know he’ll vote for me.
I shall vote Trump because I want to my president to be orange, not black.
I shall vote Trump because when I rape my wife, it’s not like real rape, right? And as for my daughter, well she’s technically my property, isn’t she?
I shall vote Trump because who needs policies when we’ve all got guns?
I shall vote Trump because he repeats his name all the time so he won’t forget it. That’s genius.
I shall vote Trump because I think everyone should be allowed to grab women by the pussy – except of course for other women because that sort of thing is disgusting.
I shall vote Trump because he’ll figure out which side to get those Mexicans to stand on as they build the wall so they don’t end up inside the country instead of outside.
I shall vote Trump because he doesn’t believe in evolution.
I shall vote Trump because he’s proof against evolution.
I shall vote Trump because I don’t care which country Belgium’s in or what the capital of Stockholm is.
I shall vote Trump because it’s easy to vote now I’ve learned the alphabet all the way up to X.
I shall vote Trump because Hillary Clinton is secretly black.
I shall vote Trump because Mr Putin hacked into my e-mail to tell me to do so.
I shall vote Trump because global warming is such a great excuse to drink more cold beer.
I shall vote Trump because I can’t wait to wear my white hood proudly again.
I shall vote Trump because after this there won’t be any more elections.
Click on the link to see me reading I Shall Vote Trump at the Austin International Poetry Festival